Let's all use our flashlights....

One of my best friends created a donation site last night to help me with all of the medical bills coming my way and living expenses. I am still pet-sitting, but have been unable to work at the hospital for the last couple of months. The treatment is about to get more aggressive and I fear that I may have to take a sabbatical from my pet sitting business as well not so far down the line. I am so humbled and touched that she would do this for me. A friend of our's, Matt, is the one that gave her information on how to set it up. Matt's brother has had several brain surgeries and their family is currently raising money for his expenses. I was amazed that during such a difficult time of his own, he would reach out to me. My struggles are nowhere near what their family is going through. The heart of some people is exquisite. Then, I woke up this morning to find an e-mail from a friend who has opened an online store and wanted me to know that she'd be donating a percentage of summer sales to help me out. Astonishingly beautiful. How amazing it is to have such beauty in my life.

I can not help but repeat my latest mantra, the shadow teachers are often the one's that reveal the most light.

I think of a pitch black cave or room and the light that comes through the cracks is brilliant and bright. I see our struggles the same way. Who can focus on the darkness with such brilliance shining through the cracks and corners? It at least can shift your focus. I have been struggling lately with my mind, heart, health, the world, the unknown, etc. Our world seems to be going crazy at warp speeds. Almost everybody I know is or has someone close to them going through abnormal hardship. The oil spill is devastating. It's best to keep the news off, unless you want to hear awful tales of discontent and awful intent. I've been reading a book about the Lyme epidemic and some of the players and it's heartbreaking. I can accept that an accident occurred and people got sick, but I can't accept that there is true malice in the world. Let alone malice created by sheer greed. Years ago I read "Conversations with God". In it he expresses the idea that there is no source of darkness, only a source of light. That there is no evil, but rather an absence of love. He explained it using a flashlight metaphor. If it is dark, you can turn on a flashlight and dispel darkness. But, if it is light, there is no flashdark. You can not dispel light with darkness. People act darkly from an absence of light. This came to me today when I was thinking about my fight with Lyme and the people involved. There are greedy people suppressing information, manipulating the system and hurting multitudes of people. Then there are the beautiful people taking on the fight, giving it a voice, doing the research. And, there are the Doctor's sticking their necks out to help those of us that were not properly treated in the beginning phases and have a challenging mountain to climb because of it. And, there are the beautiful faces of the people in my personal life or those who reach me through this blog. I'm in awe of them and their exquisite hearts and desire to help others. So, I have to look at all the players and know that the people creating the pain, discord and imbalance are doing so because they lack the light. They can alter our lives, but they can not destroy our spirits. They lack a source. We do not. My health issues feel like a microcosm of the world right now. It's going to get a lot worse and uglier before it gets better. But, it will get better.

I saw my Doctor on Monday. So much occured. The co-infection panel came back and I am, in fact, infected with more than just Lyme borrelia. We added 2 new supplements, an auto-immune drug to help with the inflammation, degeneration and joint damage. I have to go get an eye test before I start taking this medication as it causes retinal damage in rare cases. We also discussed the next step in my treatment and the options just ahead of me. I am currently on 2 oral antibiotics a day, several supplements, an anti-fungal to stop any yeast overgrowth from the antibiotics, and an intramuscular antibiotic shot once weekly. I feel icky. I probably spend more time in bed than out of bed. I have a decision to begin to treat more aggressively now. At some point I need to have a port implanted into my chest with a pict line to administer IV antibiotics. This will make me even sicker before it can make me better. Or, I can also add the next antibiotic through more intramuscular shots. The down sides are - they hurt, it would be several times a week and treatment could take longer with IM shots. The up side, I wont feel as awful all at once, the cost is pricey but less than the line, and I will not feel so much like 'a patient'. The port is a surgical procedure and once it goes in, I'll need nurse home care visits to change dressings and flush the line, etc. Ugh, really? A home care nurse? This doesn't really seem possible. If the port and line eventually have to go in, then why not now? And yet, I also want to be gentle with my body. So I am taking the next couple of weeks to weigh the options.

I found out this week that my Doctor is closing her practice. She is doing so for personal and professional reasons and moving to the East Coast. I feel so safe and secure with her and this was quite a blow, but I understand she needs to do this. It made me sad though to hear from the office that the 'hostile medical enviornment in California', the managed care fiasco and parts of this epidemic contributed to her decision. Lyme literate physicians are few and far between, to say the least. I have moments when I wonder if I should move to the East coast, where they have changed laws surrounding this disease and how to treat it. Since it started on the East Coast, that is where there are more specialists, a wider understanding and political foreward movement. We are on the other side of the country, I fear it's going to be years before we catch up. There is a doctor in Redwood City that I could transfer to, but I'm not sure if it feels right to me.

My lovely friend Marlie reminded me yesterday that as one door closes, another WILL open. Having my doctor leave is a blow, but it will be okay. Thank you, Marlie :-) My path will take me to the right places if I am willing to listen and face the challenges. Ultimately we all must trust. Remember, times are tough, but the light outweighs the dark. We are in a time of great contrast personally and worldly. Facing our struggles, decisions and eachother with courage and love will make all the difference in the world. So many people are making a difference in mine.