Humpty Dumpty Ramblings

Healing is certainly the theme in my life right now. I realize how much "compartmentalizing" has served and hurt me. For years, all the issues in my body seemed to be compartmentalized. I would go to one doctor to try and figure out the excessive bleeding, tumors, night sweats, sadness, endometriosis, and abdominal pain. I would go to another doctor for the problems with my feet. And, another doctor for the neck and back pain. And, a psychiatrist for the panic attacks and depression. And, another doctor when I had a flu or cold. And, it goes on and on. It never occurred to me that all these things could be related to the same issue in my body. I often thought it could be that I was just broken or crazy, but it never occurred to me everything could be a result of the same culprit. This compartmentalization (along with the misgivings of our system obviously) kept me from a proper diagnosis. Now that I know the truth, I can go about treating my whole body, instead of trying to treat pieces separately. And, now that I have begun to treat my body as a whole, I'm seeing that healing is a more than just healing your body. I believe it is healing yourself. The mind, body and spirit. I have always had a spiritual side and have searched for truth and answers. It seems like this would be obvious to me already. But, when this illness seemed to get so out of control, I started looking at it as purely physical.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day who is battling a pretty brutal cancer. He has been through the chemo therapy and treatment already and the cancer has returned. We were sharing stories of mis-diagnosis, mis-informed doctors, pharmaceuticals, etc. At some point in our conversation, it shifted to talking about the need for a more whole-person healing plan. We talked about the healing that needs to take place inside oneself on an emotional or spiritual level as well, so that you can take to treatment and heal completely. Yes cancer is real, yes Lyme is real, but there are other factors that go into healing any chronic or complex illnesses. I was listening to a CD of Carolyn Myss, author of "Anatomy of the Spirit" the other day. She was talking about the way emotion and pain can affect us on a cellular level. It's a fact that these things can actually have an effect on our immune systems. I wonder if it's these things that can sometimes be responsible for the reason why one person can heal and another person can't. The truth is that we don't know. We really don't know. So, I want to go about healing myself on all levels. To let go of any pain I may have unconsciously hung onto along the way. Even if it doesn't have any affect on my Lyme disease treatment, I believe it's important work. I'm discovering places of old hurt that I thought were resolved, that I can still see traces of. Carolyn Myss discussed the idea that we leave little energetic bits of ourselves along the way in our lives. I began to imagine us as walking puzzles. We lose puzzle pieces along the way for many reasons. The places of hurt in our lives still actually hold these pieces of us, until we heal them. If we go back to these places and reclaim the energy through forgiveness or understanding, I believe we can get those pieces back. I believe we have the power to reclaim what we've 'lost'. Or, maybe it is just that we need to shift our perspective of an experience. I can look back in my life on very painful times and see now how much those times actually served me. When we are chronically ill especially, we need all our energy. Old anger or sadness can be so toxic.

Carolynn Myss also discussed the fact that not all illness is negative. Sometimes it's a chance to heal, reclaim or reinvent oneself, or possibly even a calling to be of service on a greater level. There are major foundations built in the memory of someone who passed from a disease, many books written to assist others going through a disease the author has healed from, and many people who believe their illness or their "bottom" is what inspired them to live a better life. I find great comfort in this. There is certainly something to be said about 'the wounded healer'. She also spoke about the need to be really healthy on a spiritual level to live a fulfilled life. I began to blame myself again for my illness as she was discussing this. The idea that we have the power to heal ourselves means that I've done something wrong, I thought. But, then she pointed out that a person can live a very healthy life confined to a wheelchair. It doesn't mean we are responsible for our illnesses, it means we have the ability to grow in spite of an illness. We can use the power of transmutation to get through. Lyme disease is icky. I can let it take me, get caught up in the idea of being ill and just BE ill. Or, I can use the time to look at what I can do to change my experience within the disease. How can I turn this into something positive? I have noticed that there are people who get lost in or defined by their illness. I see there is power for some there. I don't want to be caught in the trap of staying ill. I think that is exactly where someone can stay if they aren't willing to look at the whole picture. I also believe some people die or are crippled by a disease without being defined by that disease. In order to transmute this experience, I am going to need all my pieces.

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty back together again.

I can take all of the medications and do all of the treatments and listen to all the opinions out there. But, unless I want to put myself back together again, I'll stay broken for sure. I suppose Humpty Dumpty had the same problem. Maybe he needed to help put himself back together again....