Retrieving my soul

I am out on the road in the Southwest, chasing rainbows and lightening. I've caught some of both. The sky here is so incredible that at times it is hard for me to grasp the enormity of it's beauty. I am really drawn to native american teachings and beliefs. I always have been. When I was a child, I used to make little spirit bowls and gather rocks, gems and feathers to fill them with. I would give them away as gifts. There is Indian blood running through my veins and certainly through my heart. I have been really intrigued by the Hopi tribe recently and wanted to just get my feet on the Hopi earth and breathe in the air here. Since, I also am long overdue to visit family in Arizona, I took the opportunity to do both. My family sent me a stand-by ticket and I headed out here to get away for a little bit. My joints are thanking me. The heat and dryness are having a positive affect on them I think. I wish my muscles and head would catch up. The air travel was a little rough, I must admit. Thankfully, I arrived in Phoenix and went immediately to my family's home where I was able to rest for a couple of days before getting in the car and traveling to the reservation.

I had been thinking quite a bit about all of the pieces of me that are still out there and for what reasons. Some of those pieces linger because of trauma and genuine sorrow and pain. But, other pieces stayed behind for no better reason than just ego. It's amazing what can shift when you just set the intent to heal. After my last blog, I really started to put thought into action. I reached out to a friend that I had a falling out with. And, some major repair was done with someone I have spent a lot of time energetically engaged with in a negative way, even though we don't know each other well personally. That was great. But, I also did something I thought I would never do. And, it was a biggie.

For almost the entirety of my life, I have been desperately afraid of my birth father. Rightfully so, considering the content of my memories and of the file sitting on the shelves of Orange County Social Services. This man has made me question the concept that all people are good at their core. I have had panic attacks in public places when I just thought I saw him. I have had more nightmares than I can possibly count about him. When I was a child, my parents (adoptive) had to sleep with their door open because of my night terrors. Years I have spent in therapy dealing with these memories and nightmares. The last couple of years I have found myself incredibly frustrated over the fact that I have done so much 'work' around these issues and still they have a major impact on my life. I stopped defining myself by my traumas awhile ago and came to a place of gratitude. I genuinely feel a deep sense of gratitude for what happened. This is because the things I did like about myself seem to be in direct relation to the trauma and pain I suffered. It created empathy, a need to want to make a difference in people's life, and opened my eyes to the larger truths in life. I believe those experiences are the reason I do the hospice work and want to help children and animals. So, for all of that, I am grateful. After some major work around my abuse issues the past year, I finally had come to a place in my life that the nightmares around my birth father had subsided. I stopped defining myself by my past traumas and started defining myself by my ability to overcome them. I still maintained vehemently though that I would never meet my birth father. That changed on Monday when I realized he still held a piece of me. Since reuniting with my birth sister I was afraid that he may just show up when we were hanging out. I carried Mace in my purse in case this happened. I didn't want to be surprised by him. He still held some power over me in this way. So, I decided if I was the one to initiate the meeting, that would empower me. I also had a feeling that if I could just see the "monster" with my own eyes and face him that I wouldn't be afraid anymore. I've been reading about the power of forgiveness and saw an amazing documentary on the science of forgiveness last week. I knew in my heart I needed to go beyond just saying I forgave him and do so with the whole of my being. I figure if Elie Weisel can forgive the nazi germans, I can certainly forgive my abusive father. So, I did so in person on Thursday.

We met at Denny's in a town outside of Phoenix. I felt like I would vomit during the ride over, but my sister calmed me with her gentle understanding and we made it to the diner to find him standing out front. He wore tattered clothing and a Vietnam Veterans baseball cap. He gave me a print out of a dog's prayer that he happened to be carrying in his pocket. He was far older in appearance than in years. My "monster' turned out to be a very aged, fragile man beaten down by his own demons. He shook with happiness and nervousness at the sight of me. He told me he had been waiting for 29 years to see me again and tears filled his broken eyes. I had walked firmly through my fear to discover no fear was there at all. In fact, he seemed to be the one who was in fear. And, my inclination was to assure him that fear is only the beginning of freedom and we need not be consumed by it (as I have been taught). He was easily distracted, seemed to constantly be looking over his shoulder and could hardly sit still. His explanations for the circumstance of my time in foster care and becoming a ward of the state didn't feel accurate in my gut, but it didn't matter. None of that mattered. It was his story, not mine. At one point the topic of the heart came up. Very apropos. First it came up as just the physical heart. He told me he didn't understand why people thought the heart was on the left side, because really it was in the middle of your chest. As he said this, his head and eyes dropped and he said, "I wonder though, if I have a heart at all". He went on to talk about being in the Vietnam war, what he did there, what it was like to come home and be called a baby killer, and of all the horrible things he had done in his life. It is one thing to understand the concept of forgiveness, but it is another thing to be blessed enough to be in a position to practice it with the full capacity of the heart. I told him that he absolutely has a heart. We all do. I told him that even though he has done things that are dark, that he deserves to be able to change, to be loved and that he can forgive himself for these things. He said with a sadness I cannot adequately describe, "that is the hard part". I responded simply by explaining that it may be difficult, but it is not impossible. And, then I had the chance to tell him what my soul so desperately needed to say. That is, "I forgive you, now it's your turn". I felt the piece I had been missing replace and reposition itself directly back into my center. Years healed in that moment.

We went to his house, a mobile home in the middle of a desert trailer park. He showed me pictures of him as a boy and of his parents. I saw myself in the eyes of his mother. The pictures of a big eyed boy stared back at me in black and white. No monster. Only a child who's life was to bring abuse and war and slowly take all of his pieces away. That is why, I believe, he went on to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. I saw the history of his father and his father's father and could feel the ancestral line of perpetuating abuse. I saw vividly in my mind my great grandfather, an Apache indian, and his warrior nature. And, I realized how powerful a moment this was. I was there to stop the cycle. Here, with me, the cycle stops. I refuse to allow it to pass through me. So, I turned around and mirrored to him through forgiveness that he too can change abuse to compassion. I felt the profound resonance of the quote "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that the prisoner was you." I was free. There is so much power in being able to love the monster anyway. I believe monsters are only monsters because they lack love. Love heals. With love, the monsters will slowly stop being monsters. Love really is the answer.

I knew that I needed to leave within a short period of time and that I was not going to give him my contact information. This was simply to forgive and face my fears. I said goodbye feeling tenderness, compassion and hope for the person I had blamed so much pain in my life on. I left feeling lighter. Before I left the trailer park, I thanked the beautiful cats that he keeps as pets for loving him. I thanked them because I saw that they and my sister had been the only things keeping any gentleness alive in his heart. Although I felt/feel a significant amount of sorrow for him, I refuse to carry it. It is not mine. I carried his stuff around for years. So, no more. I realized that with this piece back and the power of forgiveness, I have that much more to heal myself with. I do not want to harbor the negative anymore. Lyme, you're next. And, I have more to fight you with now.

So here I stand on Hopi ground, which feels quite cathartic. The Apache were the fierce warriors and their blood is in my veins. The Hopi are the peaceful tribe, and I carry them in my heart and their teachings in the practice of evolving my heart.

Humpty Dumpty Ramblings

Healing is certainly the theme in my life right now. I realize how much "compartmentalizing" has served and hurt me. For years, all the issues in my body seemed to be compartmentalized. I would go to one doctor to try and figure out the excessive bleeding, tumors, night sweats, sadness, endometriosis, and abdominal pain. I would go to another doctor for the problems with my feet. And, another doctor for the neck and back pain. And, a psychiatrist for the panic attacks and depression. And, another doctor when I had a flu or cold. And, it goes on and on. It never occurred to me that all these things could be related to the same issue in my body. I often thought it could be that I was just broken or crazy, but it never occurred to me everything could be a result of the same culprit. This compartmentalization (along with the misgivings of our system obviously) kept me from a proper diagnosis. Now that I know the truth, I can go about treating my whole body, instead of trying to treat pieces separately. And, now that I have begun to treat my body as a whole, I'm seeing that healing is a more than just healing your body. I believe it is healing yourself. The mind, body and spirit. I have always had a spiritual side and have searched for truth and answers. It seems like this would be obvious to me already. But, when this illness seemed to get so out of control, I started looking at it as purely physical.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day who is battling a pretty brutal cancer. He has been through the chemo therapy and treatment already and the cancer has returned. We were sharing stories of mis-diagnosis, mis-informed doctors, pharmaceuticals, etc. At some point in our conversation, it shifted to talking about the need for a more whole-person healing plan. We talked about the healing that needs to take place inside oneself on an emotional or spiritual level as well, so that you can take to treatment and heal completely. Yes cancer is real, yes Lyme is real, but there are other factors that go into healing any chronic or complex illnesses. I was listening to a CD of Carolyn Myss, author of "Anatomy of the Spirit" the other day. She was talking about the way emotion and pain can affect us on a cellular level. It's a fact that these things can actually have an effect on our immune systems. I wonder if it's these things that can sometimes be responsible for the reason why one person can heal and another person can't. The truth is that we don't know. We really don't know. So, I want to go about healing myself on all levels. To let go of any pain I may have unconsciously hung onto along the way. Even if it doesn't have any affect on my Lyme disease treatment, I believe it's important work. I'm discovering places of old hurt that I thought were resolved, that I can still see traces of. Carolyn Myss discussed the idea that we leave little energetic bits of ourselves along the way in our lives. I began to imagine us as walking puzzles. We lose puzzle pieces along the way for many reasons. The places of hurt in our lives still actually hold these pieces of us, until we heal them. If we go back to these places and reclaim the energy through forgiveness or understanding, I believe we can get those pieces back. I believe we have the power to reclaim what we've 'lost'. Or, maybe it is just that we need to shift our perspective of an experience. I can look back in my life on very painful times and see now how much those times actually served me. When we are chronically ill especially, we need all our energy. Old anger or sadness can be so toxic.

Carolynn Myss also discussed the fact that not all illness is negative. Sometimes it's a chance to heal, reclaim or reinvent oneself, or possibly even a calling to be of service on a greater level. There are major foundations built in the memory of someone who passed from a disease, many books written to assist others going through a disease the author has healed from, and many people who believe their illness or their "bottom" is what inspired them to live a better life. I find great comfort in this. There is certainly something to be said about 'the wounded healer'. She also spoke about the need to be really healthy on a spiritual level to live a fulfilled life. I began to blame myself again for my illness as she was discussing this. The idea that we have the power to heal ourselves means that I've done something wrong, I thought. But, then she pointed out that a person can live a very healthy life confined to a wheelchair. It doesn't mean we are responsible for our illnesses, it means we have the ability to grow in spite of an illness. We can use the power of transmutation to get through. Lyme disease is icky. I can let it take me, get caught up in the idea of being ill and just BE ill. Or, I can use the time to look at what I can do to change my experience within the disease. How can I turn this into something positive? I have noticed that there are people who get lost in or defined by their illness. I see there is power for some there. I don't want to be caught in the trap of staying ill. I think that is exactly where someone can stay if they aren't willing to look at the whole picture. I also believe some people die or are crippled by a disease without being defined by that disease. In order to transmute this experience, I am going to need all my pieces.

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty back together again.

I can take all of the medications and do all of the treatments and listen to all the opinions out there. But, unless I want to put myself back together again, I'll stay broken for sure. I suppose Humpty Dumpty had the same problem. Maybe he needed to help put himself back together again....

HIPPA - What a joke. Let them look.

Lots of ups and downs these days. My body seems to have it's own consciousness and I often feel like I am observing rather than participating in it's endeavors. I'm trying to stay out of judgement when I twitch, shake, stutter or fall. But, I do find myself embarrassed, feeling guilty or weird. I don't know why, but I do. I feel like I should be able to stop it, even when I know that I can't. When I'm having spasms, I tense up and try to stop it and then I find myself even more exhausted when they've passed. I'm working on letting go and trying to go with it and let it ride out. Last week I went to the boardwalk with some friends. As we were walking in to the park, I started to have "an episode". I was sort of bobbing up and down and shaking back and forth. It's hard to explain in words, but it's not exactly cute and people can't help but stare I'm sure. I was feeling slightly embarrassed and wondering if maybe it would have been better had I stayed home, when my friends 'joined in'. They started dancing with similar movements to mine and making beat boxing noises. It was so funny and instantly brought me out of the negative and into a positive, loving place. How lucky am I to have friends like that? It was no big deal and when it passed, we walked into the park, rode the rides and had fun. I struggled during parts of the day and was really tired after, but it was worth it. I am finding that I am able to do more. I spend lots of time in bed after, but I am feeling some progress. I have no doubt, I will eventually be on the other side of this, healthier and wiser. I know my life has been significantly and permanently changed by this, but I have faith.

My little deck garden

I've been gardening and painting lately as I have the energy. I love it. I'm finding the need to create beauty, to plant seeds, to do things that make my surroundings happier these days. I noticed myself feeling frustrated because I wanted the seeds I planted to sprout faster! How funny. That's often how I feel about my health and this healing process. I want it to happen overnight. I get frustrated when it doesn't happen that way. It takes time, energy, care and patience. I am learning patience. I'm learning to be gentle with myself. I am learning how to heal. It isn't always easy.

My latest painting (still in progress)

I received a phone call today that was odd and a little startling. One of my doctors called to let me know that they had received a call from the Monterey County Public Health Department requesting copies of all of my records. The assistant at my doctor's office was confused. She said they told her it was required because of my positive Lyme test. She then asked me if I used to work for them. I explained to her that I hadn't, that I wasn't sure why they'd be needing my medical records and that I hadn't authorized my records to be released to anyone. She assured me that she wouldn't be sending the records and that she thought the request was strange. I hung up and immediately felt fear. Since I'm aware of the political controversy and mis-education surrounding Lyme disease, I assumed this was a negative thing. I felt defensive and attacked. I called the Monterey County Public Health Department myself to investigate. I was put on hold several times before being transferred to a woman who actually knew what I was talking about. She explained to me that since Lyme disease is a communicable disease, the agency was collecting information for community statistics. I told her that I didn't understand why she needed my full medical records, because they clearly already had a copy of my positive Lyme blood-test. Why wouldn't that be enough for their statistics? She explained that they are putting together data and charting the symptoms, blood tests and clinical criteria of Lyme positive patients. They do this for any communicable diseases, as they are considered a public health risk. Since Lyme is a vector borne disease and can be contracted from something in our environment, it applies. Other examples would be diseases that can be transmitted from human to human or animal to human ( Chickenpox, TB, Hepatitis, West Nile, Rabies, Whooping Cough... to name a few). Ugh, I couldn't help but feel dirty and gross. All of this hassle from a stupid tick. A tiny tick. I can't have children, I can't live my life normally, I can't have my privacy, the normal rules just don't apply to me. From a little bug. It's mind boggling. I felt they had the information that they really needed and it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, so I told her that I wasn't authorizing my records to be released for the department's research. I expressed to her that I felt my privacy was being violated. She listened and then went on to explain that HIPPA (the privacy act supposedly meant for our protection) does not apply to government health agencies. She stated that they did not need my permission to access my records. She went on to explain that my doctors are required by law to turn over all of my medical records to the public health department and if they refuse they would be reported to the medical board for non-compliance.

It was really distressing to think that I have no control over this. I have lost so much faith in our system. After all the misdiagnosis, confusion, and unnecessary damage and pain, now they are taking away my privacy too? I was pissed and scared. I stopped and took a deep breath. I remembered the words I heard from a very wise man this past weekend "paranoia is a way of controlling things when we feel out of control". I was reminded this weekend to stop when feeling negative feelings, to trust the process of life and to breathe. I am learning to do this, to slow down. So, I sat with my uncomfortableness for awhile and I asked for some guidance.

After talking with a friend and taking some time to think about it and take some more deep breaths, I decided this may not actually be a bad thing. It may actually be that they are seeing a rise in positive Lyme testing and they are starting to realize what an epidemic we have on our hands. Maybe they are gathering information because they are actually starting to see that they have been misinforming the public about Lyme disease and what it does to people! The woman from the public health office said that they are evaluating information in people's records and comparing those with all the positive blood test results. Maybe this will lead to public awareness, prevention and proper education to medical professionals. The truth is, I don't have anything to hide or be ashamed of, so why wouldn't I share my records? Let them read it! Let them look at the pictures of the six pounds of tumors taken out of my uterus before and the ultrasound of the ones that are there now. Let them see the countless reports of migraines. Let them look at the notes of all my mysterious rashes, upper respiratory infections, immense body pain, and fluctuating weight. Let them look at my bloodwork with all it's vitamin and mineral deficiencies and abnormal values. Let them look at the map of pain and confusion. And, let them DO SOMETHING about the misinformation they've been giving to the public. For God's sake, let them make the appropriate changes in education, testing and protocol around this disease. Then just maybe, someone down the road won't have such a huge medical record, for them to violate the privacy of.