I know it's not accurate, but I feel like life is passing me by and I'm too tired to jump on. It's hard to determine where one thing ends and another begins. Am I fatigued from Lyme and treatment? Am I fatigued because I'm depressed? Am I depressed because of the Lyme and treatment? But, I feel stagnant and I don't think that is the answer. On days I feel better, I question the days that I don't. I know it sounds strange, but it's true. On the days I feel awful, it's clear there is no other choice. Those days are consuming, but they are at least clear. I think the worst days are the in-between days. The days that I am low on energy, lacking in inspiration, and don't feel good enough to get up and go are the hardest days. Because, part of me feels like I need to just pick myself up by the bootstraps and push through it. I feel lazy on those days. Lazy is unacceptable. I hate it. On a deep level, I know I am not lazy and that this is all part of this illness which hits physically, emotionally and mentally. I decided yesterday to try and counter this stagnancy and depression. I made a choice to at least take a class or two at MPC. I was doing really well in school 2 1/2 years ago when the tumors came on and I had to quit school for the surgery and healing time. I have been feeling bad about it since it happened. I really do love school, but every time I've been doing well and pushing forward, my body has crashed in some way and I've had to put it off. Now, I know what exactly the challenge is. That at least disempowers it on some level. I know any class, even if it's something I love, will be a challenge while I'm treating this disease, but I have to at least try. Keeping some level of normalcy is my saving grace. Petsitting, art, volunteering, and these classes (hopefully I'll get in) help sustain self worth. They keep me from sinking totally into the illness or the depression from the illness. I need a little inspiration. I also find when the apathy or depression sinks in, it is time to get to gratitude as quickly as possible. I make gratitude lists. It keeps my focus in the right place. And, honestly, things could be so much worse. My problem is quite small in the grand scheme of things.
I saw my doctor a couple of days ago and we made the decision to go to the next step in treatment. My body seems to be getting used to the medications I have been on and it's time to introduce some new antibiotics to my system. I have opted not to put in a port and picc line at this point. I am going to try increasing the intramuscular shots and oral antibiotics for the time being and see how my body does. Hopefully the nausea will be better on the new oral antibiotics. I know that this next level of treatment has the potential to make me really sick. Ironically, the sicker I get from the treatment, the better it's supposedly working. We'll see. I will also be starting a new medication to counter a possible side effect of one of the new antibiotics. I find it strange that the medications I will be taking to get my body back are also damaging to my body. This particular antibiotic sometimes does damage to the gall bladder and a medication to counter that is needed. A couple of my new meds have the side effects of joint pain and tendonitis. Since those are symptoms that we are also treating, it just seems silly. There are so many parts of all this that are just that, silly. It reminds me of the depression medications that have the side-effect of suicidal thoughts. Seems contradictory.
I found out a couple of weeks ago that my insurance is going to be cancelled unless I can come up with $1000 a month to keep it going. For now, I can't lose it. I wouldn't be insurable by any other company right now. The donation site and a benefit yard sale that my sweet friend Jaime is putting on for me is going to be so important. Every little donation helps. I'm working as much as possible too. I keep telling myself to keep the faith. Even when it doesn't feel like it, the Universe always takes care of us. It may not always look like we thought it would, but it's always enough somehow. So when panic sneaks in, I kindly tell it to go away.
I don't know exactly why, but upon arriving to my doctor's office this week, I felt like weeping. This strange sorrow just sweeps in sometimes and takes over. Last week I went to Ivy's house after she had a surgical procedure just to keep her company and help in anyway I could. We basically sat on opposite couches and watched TV. But, at one point her kids had a little spat and I went back to their room to mediate. Ivy needed to stay down and rest. We worked out the small issue they were having and just before I was going to leave the room, Oliver (her 4 year old) reached out for a hug and crawled into my arms. His little head rested on my shoulder and I just held him. It was probably 5 minutes of just quiet cuddling. There was something so sweet about it. Something so real and gentle. As I held him in my arms I remembered that I'll never have my own child and I was filled instantly with that sorrow. As that sadness hit me, I allowed it just to be. It's real. After a few moments, I shifted my focus back to acceptance and faith. If I am meant to have a child, one will come to me. For now, I am grateful for the moments like that, the moments I get to hold Oliver or my niece, or the other children who come into my life. We weren't all meant to be the same kinds of mothers. We can nurture and mother in other ways. I do so with the animals I work with, the children I work with and the little moments that come to me. It's important to feel the sorrow, but it is important to shift perspective too. There are so many places in this world that need love and nurturing. It's arrogant to think we know exactly how our lives were supposed to look and to refuse to love despite the cards dealt to us.
This week as I sat on the table in the doctor's office gripping a handful of new prescriptions, I was feeling overwhelmed, scared and quite frankly, just sick of it all. As my doctor was leaving the room, I called out to her and asked, "Do you see this illness leaving me anytime soon? I am really tired of it and I want to do other things." She turned around with a quiet knowing look and responded "I'm sure of it, you won't stay here long." I hope she's right. I know I have been told I'll be battling this for years to possibly the rest of my life, but I don't have to create that. The truth is no one really knows and everybody is different. I'm battling it now, but I hardly plan on letting this take over years of my life. I'm gonna take my life back in small ways for now while I battle it. I take a little piece back each moment I accept a challenge and fight apathy. I take a piece back when I take a class, go on a trip, take a walk, create a painting, read a book, write my blog, and especially when I practice gratitude instead of self pity. I almost lost the beauty of Oliver's hug by focusing on what I didn't have, instead of the sweet moment I was actually having. I need to apply this to life more.
