I'm back

I believe two birthdays have actually passed since I have blogged. I can't give an absolute reason why I stopped blogging, but I can speculate. The surgery was rough. The recovery was rougher. I went into a sort of "warrior" state. Well, that's what it felt like at the time. That I was being really "strong". I think I went a little numb maybe. Perhaps I just wanted to try to get back to a normal life. Maybe I was tired. Tired of Lyme, tired of illness, tired of myself. Or, maybe I started to feel better on certain levels after treatment stopped and the surgery was done. I imagine it was a combination or variations of all these things, blended together. Whatever the reasons, that was what happened. I basically abandoned ship here on my blog...

So here I am. Again. Still. I wish I was writing to say that I am cured, all is well, and I have the answers. Not so much. I am writing to say that I am still in this battle, still struggling, but still fighting! The last year and a half have been very, umm, I don't know. Full. Varied. Confusing. Fine. It's a journey. Let's see if I can back track a little. After the surgery I fought so hard to be strong. To some extent, I think I did a good job. But, I also wasn't capable of feeling everything right away, that this particular surgery brings to the table. I still haven't processed all of it. It's just another way I look at my life and think "awesome, another thing that makes me different". But, I also understand it to be part of my path, understand there is value in it, that it has made choices for me that could have been hard to make myself, and that it isn't the end of the world. I know I am meant to birth other things. Creative things. Projects. Nurture animals and children in other ways. You don't have to be a birth mother of a child to bring motherly, nurturing love into this world. It's odd to be a woman that can't have children in this world. You wouldn't believe some of the things that have been said to me, if I told you. (Sometimes I feel lucky though. Like when I hear the screaming children in a store or when my friends tell me about the struggles they have raising their children.) I wonder if I could have children, would I at this point?? It's a moot point. It seems like there are two clubs when you are in your thirties and forties. Those with kids and those without. With a few exceptions of course. I love exceptions :-) It can be so awkward though. People are always asking me if I have children or if I plan to. How am I supposed to answer that? No? Sure. Except there is such a convoluted pile of emotion lurking behind that answer. It isn't ever really that simple to answer. And, people rarely let it go at that anyway. It inevitably is followed by other questions. Did you always know you didn't want children? Is it because you haven't met that perfect someone? If I answer with "I can't have children" then the faces come. The myriad of pity filled expressions - shock, concern, horror (like it's the worst thing a woman can imagine happening to herself), curiosity, the poor-you face.... It goes on and on. I suppose I could just lie and say yes or say I AM pregnant. But, lying is no fun and then you'd have to have a conversation that isn't real. And, if there is anything I hate, it is not being real. I hate going to social events because of these questions. Like weddings for example. It's such a nightmare and I often just want to hide. I feel like an alien. So different from my peers. Inadequate. And, the questions are always worse at weddings. Are you next? Blah, blah, blah, blah. Ugh. And, Lyme is no fun at these sorts of events either. The seating is always painful, twitching and puffiness don't really accent any cute outfit, and it's another tired and sore subject. So, that answers that. Yes, I still have Lyme.

Still. Again. Whatever. Here's the short version. After surgery I finished my IV therapy. My blood test came back negative. I went on and tried to get back to life. I still had symptoms because of the damage done over the years. Chronic muscle pain, arthritis, migraines, heart murmur, etc. But, the cognitive stuff was GONE. YAY! Or, so I thought. I really was, all things considered, doing well. I felt so much better than I did the months I was basically bed ridden. I felt like I could at least function in life and was excited to start building mine from a different place. I still had sweats and fatigue, but generally that was chalked up to hormone issues because I now only have one ovary. (I am having issues with that ovary and my abdomen now, that I'll share about later. I may need another surgery.) Over the last several months I tried to get back to normal life as much as possible, but I still didn't feel 100% healthy. I kept wondering if I was exaggerating it in my head, if it was because I was lonely or busy or a number of things. I continued to take medications for symptoms, but was off regular IV or antibiotic therapy. I would have arthritis flares with weather, tire easily after overdoing it, and pick up any flu or cold that wafted my way. I was on and off antibiotics, when I would get flu like symptoms. It did seem to be getting worse gradually. And then, fairly quickly, all of the sudden. I broke down in a doctor visit and expressed that I felt like something was really wrong still or again. I was getting several migraines a week, the inflammation in my body was absurd, I was tired. And, the cognitive stuff started happening again in January. We ran a western blot. Positive. Ran a second one in case of possible error. Positive. Shit. Here we are. The newest studies show that it can hide in the heart and that may be what was happening with the negative test results earlier. Anyhow, I am currently undergoing treatment again. Everyday IV antibiotic therapy for a minimum of 6 weeks to start. I feel like someone beat the crap out of me. I am taking a leave from work at the animal hospital during treatment for a few reasons, but most importantly to help with the healing time. I am continuing to do my pet-sitting and mobile pet care as I can. Although, it has been a bumpy ride. I am praying that this round of treatment is going to do the trick. When I feel frustrated about this situation, I remind myself that there is an intelligence to life and that it may not make sense in the moment, but someday it will. I have been feeling the call to blog again, to reach out, to share my experience. The ups, the down, the all arounds. Even if no one reads this, it is therapeutic to journal and to track what's happening. So, that's why I'MMMM BACCCKKKK. I have met another 'alien' and that gives me even more reason to fight and try to be brave and come out on the other side of this. No, we won't be having baby aliens. Please refer to above paragraph ;-).

Some of the things I'd like to address here over the next weeks, months, days are: 1. The continuing fight and controversy surrounding Lyme disease. 2. The damage the New Age idea that we create our own illnesses can have on a person who is battling an illness. 3. The greater purpose of our struggles and what we can learn from them (if we did help create them, why?). 4. How much I want a uni-corn. 5. My developing vision for healing workshops. 6. My deepest gratitude for the people and animals that surround me in my life and the wisdom I learn from them 7. If I can't have a uni-corn I WILL settle for a horse.

As you can see, I haven't changed the form of this blog. It will be scattered, it will be free-flow, little editing, and mostly just like journaling. Just shared journaling. I want it to be open, raw, vulnerable and honest. And, I believe those things come in a form like this. I'll save all the editing and control for my book.