Facing fear with faith... as best I can.

Today things took a turn. I felt the need to write about it while it is still raw. I was sent in for an emergency MRI straight from my IV infusion appointment. The results were not pleasant. I find myself feeling quite scared and yet a relentless need to stay focused in some form of faith. I'm finding positivity as a key ingredient in maintaining any grounding. Maybe it's a crutch, but sometimes we need them. It's not a Polyanna act, it's a necessity. And, besides even if the positivity can't change the outcome, it can change the day to day experience of the struggle. If the worst case scenario ended up being the result, I still have the days and weeks of hope as the experience that led me there, instead of staying stuck in dread... And, that counts for something, no matter what. That being said, it doesn't change the fact that I do wonder why. I think about the fact that my life seems like in my 30's it should be filled with meeting people,celebrating, building a future.. Not stuck in bed, not worried about these other things.. But, this is my path. That's the reality. So, I will do what I have to do to get to the other side of this. I have to.

The MRI revealed that the uterine tumors have indeed begun to very rapidly grow over the last week especially. A few months ago, the ultrasound revealed a handful of them. Today showed a grimmer reality. There is around a dozen now. There is one that has grown beyond the size of a grapefruit. It is pushing on intestines and causing at least a partial obstruction in more than one place. There is a fluid pocket showing and we are unsure what this fluid actually contains. These things are dangerous. There is some concern that the growths themselves may actually be adhering to my intestines and organs. They also are taking a thorough look at the MRI to make sure there isn't anything else going on other than the Lyme and the uterine growths. It looks like they will have to go into surgery as soon as this week, or possibly next week at the latest. Some of the reasons I have been feeling so sick comes from these toxic back ups in my system. Because of the Lyme infection and treatment, I thought that I was just herxing and that was causing the pain, fatigue, struggle and nausea. Now, I see it was a combination of all of these things happening simultaneously. No wonder. I was trying to be a trooper and just push through it, although it was not coming with ease. I've been doing my best. That's what I've got.

I found myself feeling very frightened tonight. What will surgery entail? Especially with these other variables? What will happen after surgery? I feel like my femininity is being threatened. A hysterectomy at 34? Why, I wonder? I have to come back to faith. I just have to. I have to know that what comes next, I will find the strength to endure it. The original definition of suffering just meant to undergo or endure. It doesn't have to be a negative place, if I change my perception. The last surgery, I went into blindly and then all aspects were surprises. Now I have something to look to for reference, although this surgery is more complex. Especially if they are adhered to organs. They don't know what to expect completely until they get in and begin. So faith is where I must land, even through the fear, insecurity and the unknown. Faith isn't blind, it's visionary. I believe this. I will find out tomorrow when my doctors can consult one another with the MRI results how time sensitive it is. But, I was told today by my internalist and infectious disease specialist to cancel my jobs that are scheduled for this week. It's possible it will happen this week. I will know more tomorrow.

I am learning that being strong, having faith and being positive doesn't mean that fear, sadness and panic aren't there. It simply means you have tools or friends to calm those reactions when they arise. And, tonight I am sad, scared and pretty confused. But, I will use those tools to cope. And, I will remind myself again, that people go through much worse and come out gracefully. Tonight I will sleep with both the unknown and faith tucked in beside me.