The little things...

I have a little quote I often say, I think I made it up, but you never know. Maybe I just picked up somewhere along the line. It goes like this ~ "The tiniest holes can sink the largest of ships". It may take time, but it is assured. I try to patch all the little holes I see that pop up on this big ship of life. This morning I was contemplating my tendency to be able to deal with the 'big' things in life and my inability to cope with the smallest of matters. I can deal with my dying patients, their grieving family members, the sick and hurt animals I work with, to name a few. People often tell me that they can't believe some of the work I do and how they would just fall to pieces if it were them. I often think that about people who have corporate jobs and how I would react. But, that's a side note. I think I've been fairly calm (for the most) during the onset of this this illness, the diagnosis and even learning that I wont be able to have children. I've tried to be strong anyway. But then it's the dumbest things that I find myself falling apart over. I'd like to claim that on a good day, I can even deal with the big stuff with some grace. But, some places I'm not so graceful are

• Putting on duvet covers
• Untangling Christmas lights
• Tangled cords of any matter - recipe for a meltdown
• Dealing with aggressive drivers (even though I may or may not have a small tendency toward a mild form of road rage myself.)
• Computer glitches and a slow internet connection

Maya Angelou says "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."

Uh-oh. I remember reading this the first time and questioning my value for a moment. Lol. Looks like I have some work to do with the last two things she mentions. I've got the first covered! I adore rainy days. I curl up inside of them and build a fire, or dance under the spilling sky. I've always felt quite comfortable in the midst of a storm. Hmmmm. But, I despise tangled Christmas tree lights and am a terrible person while trying to solve a problem like that! All of this came to mind today when I felt a similar thing happen regarding a fairly trivial problem.

One aspect of Lyme is something called "Lyme brain". It causes short term memory loss, a brain fog, and some scatter-mindedness at times. I've had episodes of dis-orientation. I have even forgotten entire conversations with in an hour of having them. I sometimes go to say one word and a totally different word will come out of my mouth in it's place. I've also had moments of dyslexia. I've gone to initial things and reversed my own own initials. The places in my life where I have been a really organized person are starting to fall through the cracks sporadically.

This morning I mis-placed my phone (If you know me well, then you know that I am attached to my iPhone. I know where it is in relation to me at all times). I was shocked at my reaction to doing this. It was an over reaction to say the least. Granted, my brother was coming into to town to surprise my family and needed to get a hold of me, so losing my phone on this day was especially annoying. I have a feeling though that had it happened tomorrow or yesterday, my reaction would have been the same. I lost it. I felt angry and stomped around at first. I don't feel anger very often, so wasting it on misplacing a phone is rather silly. But,I was fuming. Soon after the anger, came the tears. The orange tears. I sat on the couch sobbing uncontrollably.

After some moments and a little talk from my higher self, I realized this really has little to do with the damn phone at all. It's the little things that can remind of us of the big picture. I just can't fall apart over the big stuff, because I simply can't. You have to keep moving. So, on some subconscious level, I guess we need to still get the emotion out. I suppose I wasn't crying over my phone at all. It was more of a realization that this thing is hiding in corners of my life that I hadn't thought about. I'm learning that I can't rely on myself and things I'm used to, the way I I'm used to it. I have to think about things in a way I didn't before, even the smallest things. I'm learning about myself and what's changing. It's strange. Things have been changing pretty rapidly over the last several months, and now it's on a daily basis. Fear can run rampant in places of the unknown. Right now I feel like I am surrounded by the unknown. We all are, really. But, fear can be an illusion. What's to be afraid of? The Universe has always taken care of me before, I have faith it will continue to do so. I just need to do small things to help it out a little... like double check where my phone is. (You know, it is an iPhone, there just might be an app for that....).

I got out the door yesterday with my sunglasses on, keys in hand, computer bag and purse over my shoulder, ready to go..... I stepped out the door. Something felt odd. I looked down to see bare feet. I forgot to put my shoes on. It looks like 'checking feet' will be on the list too.