Maybe tomorrow will be better

I know this all has a bigger purpose, I do. I also know that struggle makes us stronger and that this struggle is making me stronger, but today I'm just tired and I don't feel strong. I'm tired of hurting. Last night I had an episode that lasted for hours that was bordering on unbearable. My IM shot was on Thursday and probably it was a timing thing as the medicine was released. The pain was moving from one place to another and my anxiety level was through the roof. I was feeling really overwhelmed and paranoid and just spinning in circles in my mind. I decided that maybe a glass of wine would calm my nerves a little, so I had one. Bad idea. I haven't had a drink in weeks. I don't know if the glass of wine had anything to do with it or if it was just coincidence, but shortly after drinking it, the pain in my body elevated to new levels. It wasn't just my joints and muscles, my stomach felt like it was on fire, I was having stabbing pains in my chest and shooting pains through my limbs. It was truly agonizing and nothing was stopping it. I curled in a ball. I tried stretching. I took my pain killers. I tried acid reducers. I tried all the muscle creams. I tried everything I could. It was just what it was and I needed to ride it out. It took hours. Words are limited in trying to express this. It felt like having a tooth ache in 20-30 different places in my body. And, the sweating episodes are crazy! I feel like I am on fire, I soak my clothing and bedding and then I chill and have to pile under blankets. Then the sweating starts again. I honestly was having visions of running outside and leaping off the deck to make it stop. I know this is dramatic, but I promised to be honest and raw in this blog. And, that was where I went. It felt like poisonous snakes were writhing around under my skin and biting me. I have moments in this that I do not know if I am strong enough to do it. Then I realize AGAIN that I don't have a choice. I feel briefly like I am going to break or go crazy. I don't. I only worry I will. I cry when it gets overwhelming. I think the release helps.

It was such a beautiful day today and I wanted desperately to get out and enjoy it. I logged on to Facebook this morning and saw posts about how people were going to be spending their day. At barbecues, on boats, at the pool, etc. I felt envy. I wanted more than anything to feel good enough to do this stuff, to soak up the sun, to just feel happy and free and not trapped in my body. This is just my current reality. I have to embrace it and do what I can to overcome it. I'm not sure how, but I will. I know the treatments are working because I feel so awful. As the bacteria dies,it spills the toxins into the system and exacerbates symptoms. So, I should be glad, but today I'm just tired. So much of my life, I've felt different and longed to feel normal. I had learned to embrace my differentness. Now, this feeling is mimicking that old feeling and I hate it. This too shall pass, I tell myself. And, I know it will. For brief moments though, time feels frozen and unchangeable. I took small steps today. Took the dogs for small walks, took breathes through the discomfort, reminded myself how much worse things could be and of all my blessings. And, here I am on the other side of that day. I made it. I'll make it again. I'll make it through each and every day like that that I need to. Because, we really are so much stronger than we think we are.

My sugar cravings have been OUT OF CONTROL. I never was much of a sweets person, but the last couple of months I have been plagued with an intense desire to stuff cookies, cake, candy into my face. It's almost uncontrollable. I have no appetite for anything else and am finding it hard to stomach a lot of foods. Unfortunately I have learned that the Lyme feeds on sugar and I'm not really the one craving that. I need to fight the urge with all I can. And, I also want to be able to let go and enjoy ice cream or a cookie if it's gonna make me feel better. This disease is a disease of many contradictions I'm coming to see. The treatments that make you better, make you feel worse. You're cravings work against you. When you have energy you really should rest despite it. When you're forced to rest, the pain actually stops you from having true therapeutic rest. Grrr. The neurological symptom that is screwing up my sense of smell makes yummy things smell terrible. I have to sniff test all my shampoos before I can decide on one that I can stomach for the day. You'd think it would only be fair that if good smells turn into bad smells, that bad smells should smell good. Not so. Bad smells just smell worse. It's like all my senses are magnified. I was cleaning up the dog run today and almost vomited, the smell was so strong. I am a Vet Tech, I am used to animal smells. Or, I was anyway. As, I was spraying anti-bacterial air freshner (which then smelled worse than the poop to me), I read the bottle claiming to kill 99.9% bacteria. I imagined drilling a hole into my skin and just spraying. I could see my veins filling up with the spray and imagined being instantly "disinfected". I put the bottle down in my mind, put my sunglasses on and marched out the door for the beach. Ahhhh, if only it were that easy. A friend told me that his wife is 6 months into treatment and is finally feeling better. Ugh. Six months! That's on the shorter side of what I've heard. Time to break some records, I say. Not that I should be drinking Diet Coke, but it is a guilty pleasure. The carbonation is too intense for my taste buds. It is painful. I have always loved spicy foods and sauces, I can't take them right now. It's actually painful. Who am I? I choose to spend even more time alone because I know this won't be fun for anyone else, which doesn't help with the isolation and sadness. Other people are off living their lives, being normal, having fun... as they should be.

I do feel inspired at times, but I also feel really sad too. My friend Ivy reminded me the other day that this is grieving process. I was shocked. Being shocked shocked me more. Grief work, it's what I do. In my job often, with hospice volunteering, with Griefbuster's. And, here I was not remembering that of course this is a process of grief too. Grieving all the things that are different than I thought they'd be. Grieving lost time. Grieving not being able to birth children. Grieving my health for the time being. Just another reminder about the power of grief. It's a beast. It comes in waves. And, even when you think you know a hell of a lot about it, it can still sneak up on you and take over. The only way out of it, is through it. The only way through it, is through it. So that's the path I'm walking. Or, writing really.

You know, I guess I just needed to vent. The last 24 hours sucked. Maybe that means tomorrow will be better.