Yesterday I had a an echocardiogram. My doctor, one doctor ago, found a heart murmur. I've never had one before. The last few months I have been having chest pains, shortness of breath and palpitations. I thought it was just anxiety around the uterine issues. I thought maybe panic attacks because life had been disrupted by the uterine tumors again. This time I knew there was no possibility of having children. That's a lot to absorb.
I always thought I would have children in my twenties. I have worked with children for years and years. I was so excited as a child to finally be able to babysit when I was 11 or 12. That is actually how I was able to remember that the migraines started around the same time as the tick bite. I remember I was playing in the yard by the tower of jewels and my vision went blurry. I thought some of the buds from the tower of jewels must have fallen into my eye, so I went inside and flushed my eye over and over. The blurriness didn't resolve. A bright light started shining from one side and then the pain came. I had one of my first real babysitting jobs that evening on the other side of Melrose street for little Lauren. We had to cancel. I was devastated. That night began a search for the reasons for the migraines that ended with no answer other then the good old "idiopathic reasons". We never thought to think of the tick bite. Why would we? I have continued to have them for the 22 years and counting.
After my last surgery, I developed an attitude about children. I started keeping my distance from babies and joking that people really only need fur babies. The truth is, on a deep level, I knew I would not be able to have children and I didn't know how to accept that fact. It was too painful to see others with their plump faced babies, or bright eyed children and know I would not experience that the way I thought I would. Joking things away and keeping distance can ease the pain of heart break. Once, I understood this was the reason for my distance & attitude, I have been working to relieve some of the hurt that is attached to it. I realize that I have other things to create and give birth to. Books to write, people to help, a voice that needs to be heard. And, I know the child that is mine will come to me as I came to my family.
I was pregnant once at 19. But, I was so ill and the situation with the father so unhealthy, that it resulted in abortion. I know now why I was so ill. And, I also know now that Lyme can cause birth defects and miscarriages and unhealthy pregnancies. This diagnosis has given me so many answers. I find some relief in that. It's troublesome to my heart to think that a couple bottles of Doxycycline could have stopped so much pain. What can I say though? These struggles and uncertainties have created a strong resolve inside my heart, one that is not easily broken. I thank them for that. This resolve certainly wont be broken by this disease. I spoke with a dear healer and friend yesterday that told me this is making me stronger. I believe it. I know it.
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved" ~ Helen Keller
The echo was interesting. Watching my heart on a screen. At times it looked like there was a tiny set of hands clapping to the music playing in the room during the procedure. I watch my heart spit and suck in blood in technicolor. It played sounds I've never heard. My mother said to me "You didn't know all that was going on inside of you, did you Lou?"
"Nope, there's been all kinds of parties going on inside of me that I had no idea about for a long time now Mother". I replied
As the technician poked and pushed at my chest, clicking buttons on the screen in front of her, the music on the small boom box in the corner of the room spilled out bad music from a local "work-place" music station. On came the theme for Flashdance and I danced back to memories of being a child. I made up routines to all kinds of songs and would gather my family around to be the audience. Often when practicing I would sing aloud to the song. Often I had the lyrics all wrong. This was one of those songs. I giggled as the tech moved the ultrasound wand across my chest and then asked, "Hey Mom, remember when I used to sing this song as 'take your pants off and make it happen' and how horrified you were? You put a stop to it immediately. We all laughed. I then recalled how I also made up a dance routine to a Depeche Mode song, "Master and Servant' in 6th grade. My brothers read the words the night before and told my mother it was about a sexual game (I had no idea, I was 12). She almost made me pick a different song the night before. I had practiced for weeks, so I begged and pleaded and cried. She gave in. I think she payed attention to the words of the songs after that. We shared silly stories from our childhood while she mapped my heart with her wand. The laughter during the echo was good for my heart.
I miss dancing. I miss yoga. The bottoms of my feet and all my joints have been so painful for so long, it's been forever. I will put this on my list of things I will enjoy getting back to in no time at all.
The concern for my heart is that bacteria has caused damage to it. They believe there is some regurgitation and that's what's causing the murmur. They just want to see if something will need repair or if it is a harmless murmur. I'll know more next week. My true heart stands strong, bigger if anything by this experience. I have opened my eyes to the corruption of big Pharma, managed healthcare, greediness and imbalance in our world. I hold the multitudes of people who are suffering with all kinds of ailments or illnesses in my heart and pray for a time when concern for human life will outweigh the greediness to gain wealth and power. It's all an illusion anyway.
I started intramuscular shots in addition to the oral antibiotics a couple of days ago. My sweet friend Ivy just graduated from nursing school and agreed to give me the weekly shots. A poke in the muscle at the top of my butt with an 18ga needle. It's 2cc of a thick liquid and a slow push. The antibiotics disperse over a few days. The stick didn't hurt, but the slow push did. It hurt down my leg to the top of my foot. I've been sitting on icepacks since.
I'm grateful for the many friends that have been so kind during all of this. Situations like this are when you determine your true friends and weed out the ones that never were. I have a limited amount of energy and a very focused determination now. I only want the realest of real people in my life. The kind, compassionate people who help you want to grow and evolve as a person despite struggle. The ones that will come and sit by you on a Friday night when you have no energy and are shaking, twitching and sweating. The ones that will come and give you an injection and hang out after and shoot the shit. The ones that will fly in to be my your side and help with a petsitting job. The ones that educate themselves on what is happening to you and e-mail with helpful hints or rant on Facebook about the injustice of it all. The ones that will hold your hand and accompany you to appointments you're frightened to go to. The ones that will help raise money to pay the immense medical bills. The ones that calm you down after an insensitive person says things about the disease you have, stating the facts and their love for you. The ones that simply pick up a phone, text or email just to see how you are. These are the ones you keep. The rest you shed like the toxins, bless them for what they taught you, and release them.
With much love to all and many blessings. I am going ice my sore butt and take my beautiful dogs to the park. Nature is one of the best medicines.
I love reading this. It makes me feel a little less pessimistic and angry at the world and the greedy people that caused this pain in you. To read that your heart and spirit grow stronger everyday gives me faith :) I love you.
ReplyDeleteMunchausen Syndrome is an attention-seeking personality disorder which is more common than statistics suggest. Munchausen Syndrome, named after a German soldier renowned for exaggerated tales, is a predominantly female disorder in which an emotionally immature person with narcissistic tendencies, low self-esteem and a fragile ego has an overwhelming need to draw attention to herself and to be the centre of attention.
ReplyDeleteIn Munchausen Syndrome, this is achieved by capitalising on, exploiting, exaggerating or feigning illness or injury or personal misfortune. The opportunities for being centre of attention can be increased if feigning victimhood through alleged victimisation, isolation, exclusion or persecution is added to the equation; the Munchausen person can then depict another person (often a family member) as a victimiser or persecutor and herself as the victim. Presenting herself as a false victim is also a Munchausen trait.